My Son's Birthday (and my divorce anniversary)

My son was born by C-Section 6 years ago today. We celebrated his birthday this morning and through the afternoon. My mom and step-father drove up from their home more than three hours away. He opened his gifts and we played, had lunch at Crayola Cafe', bought a couple of toys at Zoom, and returned home for cake. He had a nice time and after his grandparents were gone he left with his dad to see his other grandparents, an hour and a half out of town.

It was a typical day in some ways, Feb 20th, 2003, but I felt a little different. I went to work and then a midday baby shower at Sean's office. I remember eating rather late, getting a McDonald's fillet of fish at the drive through on 12th and Prospect before returning to my office, the MLM Homeless Services Center at 11th and Cherry. That fish sandwich made me feel a little sick and that night I would totally lose it. It wasn't unusual; I'd been sick throughout my pregnancy. At 38 weeks, I was regularly vomitting, multiple times a day every day for the first 20 weeks and several times a week thereafter.

This wanted and planned pregnancy was wonderful and, though I often felt sick and a little uncomfortable, I didn't mind beging pregnant. I talked to him all the time and looked forward to him coming. I knew he would be very cute, not because we are particularly cute but I just felt that he would be. He is.

Around midnight, I woke and stood up and my water broke; It was not as they described in that rather than a gush it was a small but forceful stream. We called the doctor and made our way to the hospital. I won't tell it all here but I will say they were ill prepared for my arrival and things did not go as they were supposed to...

Except that Ian was born, by C-Section, weighing just under 7.5 pounds and 20 inches. He came into the world cute and may he die a cute and happy little old man. He was a sick little baby and in the NICU for nearly 2 weeks. He was moved to a different hospital than I. Those days would shape the way his dad parented him and I think that still deeply impacts each of us today. But, today is a celebration of that day of his birth. I have never known love like how I feel for my beautiful, clumsy, smart, interesting, sweet and stubborn little boy.

Things fell apart in the marriage. Truthfully, things were never that together between us. We didn't fight, it was just a flat, dull circumstance and perhaps a matching of two people who were meant to be together mostly to bring this great little boy into the world. God, we made a fine baby together.

I left my husband and began sharing custody with him, moving just a block away, over 2.5 years ago. When we got a divorce date, we were both really ready to finalize it "amicably," which basically means my guilt placed me in a charitable way, that coupled with my arrogance about my own earning capacity, so I gave everything I could and asked for as little as possible. I am no martyr. I really was a horrible wife. When the date of our son's birth was presented to us as our court date, we agreed to go forward, reluctantly. We discussed asking the judge to sign it on the 22nd for us.

Two years ago today, Sean, my still husband by law and I drove together to court in a city 20 minutes from our neighboring households. And, when we got before the judge and she easily moved through the ending of our marriage documents and she made her ruling, neither of us said a thing. We thanked them and left together. What would it matter what day she wrote on the order? It happened on Ian's birthday.

That night, the three of us would go out to dinner together at T-Rex. It was an overpriced meal but things were easy between us. It was Ian's birthday. That's the primary good that came from our union. And, to raise him best as it was between us, we could be better parents to him apart than we ever were together.

Divorce is no present to a child. I am no fool. I am a child of divorce. At the same time, I did what was best for me. I believe when parents act in their own best interest, the child benefits as well. Is there some significance in the date? Will it bother Ian if he knows his parents got a divorce on his 4th birthday? I hope he knows we had a nice dinner together that night. Happy Birthday, Ian.

Weighing In

The result of the weekend's overindulgence is the same every Monday, a variable degree of self-loathing.

It's My Anniversary Yet I'm Divorced

Today may have some greater subconscious significance than I realized. I've spent this one laying on the couch, smoking and eating things I normally don't eat, primarily pizza and chocolate. Yes, Ian and I went to church, dutifully this time, and got Ian the routine post church donut and drop him off to his dad's where he will spend the rest of the day.

By 10 am I am back home alone and returning to the familiar bra less uniform that is my signal I want to go nowhere. I thought I would at least do the laundry, take the trash out, clean up. I did NOTHING. I watched crap on television and took not one but two naps. Now, I have always had great difficulty napping, as a child, when I have pulled an all-niter, whatever, I get too anxious or excited to sleep. Two naps today and I feel like I could go to bed again now. It's about 7PM.

As I type this, I really think about what today is and can't deny the significance of it being the day I got married in 1997. This month, a week from now, will mark two years since we divorced. With the highest degree of confidence, I know divorce was right for us. But on the 15Th of February, almost every year from '97 on, Sean and I were experiencing some other city in this country, making it a routine to take vacation.

Speaking of routine, I found myself stuck with a man with such a deep need for routine and predictability, he once said to me, when I was encouraging him to take an impromptu trip to Chi-Town, "If you want to be spontaneous, you're going to need to let me know ahead of time." My need to step out of routine troubled him and his need for routine stifled me. Guess who finally stepped out?

But, that day, this day, for so many years was spent doing something we would not normally do in a place we would not normally be. Denver, Portland, Seattle, even our normally boring state capitol was fun on February 15Th.

Interestingly, today felt not unlike a Sunday during those marriage years. Doing nothing and lacking motivation to change. Perhaps in some way today I am paying homage to Sean.

But, I am about change and nothing has represented my life as a change agent for myself more than making the decision to leave my marriage. It was so I could do and so I could be. May today mark a new anniversary for me in the future, one that celebrates this day as a day of change.