It's My Anniversary Yet I'm Divorced

Today may have some greater subconscious significance than I realized. I've spent this one laying on the couch, smoking and eating things I normally don't eat, primarily pizza and chocolate. Yes, Ian and I went to church, dutifully this time, and got Ian the routine post church donut and drop him off to his dad's where he will spend the rest of the day.

By 10 am I am back home alone and returning to the familiar bra less uniform that is my signal I want to go nowhere. I thought I would at least do the laundry, take the trash out, clean up. I did NOTHING. I watched crap on television and took not one but two naps. Now, I have always had great difficulty napping, as a child, when I have pulled an all-niter, whatever, I get too anxious or excited to sleep. Two naps today and I feel like I could go to bed again now. It's about 7PM.

As I type this, I really think about what today is and can't deny the significance of it being the day I got married in 1997. This month, a week from now, will mark two years since we divorced. With the highest degree of confidence, I know divorce was right for us. But on the 15Th of February, almost every year from '97 on, Sean and I were experiencing some other city in this country, making it a routine to take vacation.

Speaking of routine, I found myself stuck with a man with such a deep need for routine and predictability, he once said to me, when I was encouraging him to take an impromptu trip to Chi-Town, "If you want to be spontaneous, you're going to need to let me know ahead of time." My need to step out of routine troubled him and his need for routine stifled me. Guess who finally stepped out?

But, that day, this day, for so many years was spent doing something we would not normally do in a place we would not normally be. Denver, Portland, Seattle, even our normally boring state capitol was fun on February 15Th.

Interestingly, today felt not unlike a Sunday during those marriage years. Doing nothing and lacking motivation to change. Perhaps in some way today I am paying homage to Sean.

But, I am about change and nothing has represented my life as a change agent for myself more than making the decision to leave my marriage. It was so I could do and so I could be. May today mark a new anniversary for me in the future, one that celebrates this day as a day of change.